


The Gift Certificate

by ChristineP



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Challenge Response, Humor, M/M, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-04
Updated: 2011-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-26 20:52:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/287732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristineP/pseuds/ChristineP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roy and Ed are given a gift certificate to Spencer's Emporium. Roy's not happy about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gift Certificate

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in response to a crackfic request by Binaryalchemist on livejournal. She asked for crackfic to go with her fanfiction.net story "Fifty Trips Around the Sun".

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist and I am making no money off of this story.

'The Gift Certificate'  
by: Christine

 

***

"I don't know, Ed, do we have to do this NOW?"

Ed looked over at his lover and frowned. "We have a gift certificate that will expire tonight and I want some new toys." He stared at his younger lover. "What's wrong? I thought you liked the toys we used?"

"Of course I do," Roy replied, leering hungrily at Ed. "Okay, it's not so much the toys as it's the man in charge of the shop."

Ed frowned, thinking over Roy's answer. "What's wrong with Mister Spencer?"

Roy shuffled in place, looking like a little kid that was caught with his hand in the cookie jar after he'd already eaten half the cookies. "He's a nice man, and he always gives us discounts, but..."

"But what?"

"He's kind of...creepy."

"Creepy?" Ed snickered. "He's about as creepy as a puppy running home to see Timmy. Mister Spencer is a harmless old man..."

"Who sells sex toys and likes to demonstrate with mannequins how they work."

"Well, there is that." Ed looked at Roy's expression. "Oh, come on. We'll just go in, grab our items, toss the gift certificate on the counter and go home, okay?"

Roy sighed, but nodded and followed Ed into the sex shop.

Spencer's Emporium was an elegant old shop with all types of sex paraphernalia that covered the walls, shelves, and aisles. There was just enough room for one to navigate so they could get around. Mister Spencer, the proprietor of Spencer's Emporium, was an equally elegant little old man. To the naked eye, he looked to be about one hundred-years-old. When he spotted Ed and Roy walking into his shop, he gave a little wave.

Ed waved back and elbowed Roy to do the same. Roy gave a half-hearted wave and followed closely behind Ed as they browsed through the wares. Mister Spencer stomp-clacked his way over to the two lovers, leaning on his cane.

"Ed, Roy, what a pleasure it is to see two of my best customers!" He said jovially. "I just got some new merchandise in, a cock and ball strap that is said to make the one wearing it feel as if he was as hard as diamonds."

Ed looked interested and opened his mouth to reply when he felt a not-so-gentle poke in his ribs. "Hmm, maybe some other time."

"What a shame. I can show you how it works, just give me one moment to get one and I'll demonstrate it's use." Mister Spencer shuffled off towards the back, leaving Roy and Ed alone to continue browsing.

Roy turned a horrified look to Ed. "See?" He whispered fiercely. "He's going to get some poor mannequin to show us how to use it. Can we grab something quick and get out of here?"

"Roy, I know it pains you to wait, but I'd like to see what I'm buying before just getting it." He turned to stare fully at his lover. "You remember the last time we just grabbed something and left? We wound up with three pairs of underpants that would require six of us to fit into it. Just relax. Close your eyes, think of Hawaii, or I don't know, recite the elements in your head."

"Sometimes, I wonder why I'm with you," Roy replied dejectedly.

"Cause I'm great in the sack?" Ed said with a grin.

Roy chose to ignore him and moved down the aisle a bit to see what they could get that they didn't already have. He was hoping he could make himself less visible if he hid behind a display of vibrating dildos, extra ribbed for her pleasure!

Sooner than Roy would have liked, Mister Spencer came back with cock strap in one hand and a clearly abused mannequin in the other. "Now then, gentlemen, this little contraption fits around the genitals like so." Mister Spencer then proceeded to manipulate the poor abused mannequin with the item while Roy scooted as far back as he could.

Ed ignored everything and stared at the sexual device that caught his eye. "Roy, look here, cherry flavored lube with each purchase of twenty pounds or more. Great, this certificate is for thirty pounds. Hmm, I guess we could use another riding crop, since I accidentally broke the last one with my automail hand."

Roy grabbed the riding crop, cherry flavored lube and a tin of breathmints, wrote down everything they were getting and slapped the certificate on the counter. With a burst of speed he didn't know he had, even back in the days when he was Colonel Roy Mustang, he took hold of Ed's hand and bolted out of the store like the hounds of hell were on their asses.

Mister Spencer flourished the mannequin's bits towards where Roy and Ed had been. "And voila, it fits like a glove." He looked up from the plastic cock and frowned. "Now where did those two go?" He glanced towards the checkout counter, puzzled look coming to his face as he saw a note and a gift certificate laying half-hazardly on the counter. "Well, bollocks. Let's go, Charlie, you're looking a might shabby," he said to the mannequin, who remained quiet.

***

Roy and Ed cuddled in bed after two hours of extreme naughtiness, sweat making their hair go every which way, and bellies covered in cooling semen. "Ed, the next time we receive anything in the mail from Spencer's Emporium, you're going alone."

"Alright," Ed replied dreamily, falling asleep in his younger lover's arms.

End


End file.
